In today’s episode of the Positively Living Podcast, I’m diving into a topic that is deeply personal for me. As someone who has repeatedly cared for elderly parents and as a mom of two, I’ve lived the challenge of juggling the needs of others while desperately trying to carve out time and energy for myself. And if I’m being brutally honest, there have been very few moments where choosing myself was the expected or even approved path.
Our society, while quick to praise those who give, doesn’t always extend that same validation to those who strive to care for themselves while giving. We hold up the “sacrificing mom” as an ideal, often overlooking the empty well she’s left with. And when it comes to the elderly or infirm, our natural focus understandably shifts to those in need, sometimes forgetting the person providing that crucial support. I get it. But I also refuse to accept that caring for another means sacrificing your own life. That’s why I’ve made it my mission to be a caregiver advocate, and today, my focus is squarely on how we must prioritize caring for the caregiver.
Let me be clear: I believe wholeheartedly in the beauty of caring for others. We absolutely need to look out for one another, but that circle of care must include ourselves. Give generously, yes, but never to your own detriment.
I know my fellow caregivers grapple with this constantly, especially when the world around them isn’t necessarily offering those vital reminders. My ongoing goal is to explore ways to care for others that don’t lead to the caregiver’s depletion. And this exploration comes from the trenches, from my own personal struggles.
The Invisible Burden: Understanding the Profound Toll of Caregiving
It’s essential to truly grasp why caring for the caregiver isn’t a luxury, but a fundamental necessity. If you’re a caregiver, you already know the deep impact it has on your mental and physical well-being. The act of caring for another can extract a tremendous toll on a person’s overall health. As research from the National Institutes of Health clearly indicates:
“Clinical observation and early empirical research showed that assuming a caregiving role can be stressful and burdensome. Caregiving has all the features of a chronic stress experience: It creates physical and psychological strain over extended periods of time, is accompanied by high levels of unpredictability and uncontrollability, has the capacity to create secondary stress in multiple life domains such as work and family relationships, and frequently requires high levels of vigilance. Caregiving fits the formula for chronic stress so well that it is used as a model for studying the health effects of chronic stress.”
Let that sink in for a moment. The experience of caregiving is so consistently and profoundly stressful that researchers actually use it as a model to study the damaging effects of chronic stress. And as many past episodes of this podcast have explored in detail, chronic stress is brutal. For a deeper dive, I encourage you to explore the over 20 episodes dedicated to stress management on the PODCAST page of my website.
A body under constant stress simply cannot function optimally. Over time, this can lead to severe health issues, including increased susceptibility to illness. Studies have consistently shown that caregivers experience higher rates of chronic illnesses, depression, and anxiety. There’s even ongoing research into the concerning possibility of caregivers passing away before those they care for, despite starting out healthier. While that specific link is still being investigated, the existing data paints a clear picture of the potential dangers inherent in caregiving, and this risk unfortunately tends to increase as caregivers age.
Beyond the physical strain, caregiving demonstrably has a massive psychological impact. Research has consistently revealed relatively large negative effects, often influenced by factors like age, socioeconomic status, and the level of available support.
Beyond the Numbers: My Own Experience with the Trauma of Caregiving
While the research is important and validating, I believe there’s so much we can learn from the lived experiences of caregivers. If you’ve been in this role, you know. If you know a caregiver, please ask them about it.
I can tell you unequivocally that I was not the same person after caring for my mom. I was fortunate enough to find light in the darkness, particularly through becoming a coach and helping others, and I feel like I was given a second chance at life because I was a younger caregiver. But it took years of healing to not only reach this point but also to acknowledge that what I experienced was a form of trauma.
For a long time, I reserved the idea of PTSD for those who had endured what I perceived as more “intense” experiences – our brave military personnel, survivors of catastrophic events. But I now understand that caregivers can carry that burden too. I also experienced significant physical ailments that I believe were at least exacerbated by my caregiving situation. I was prediabetic at one point, and looking back, I can clearly see how the relentless stress and chronic lack of sleep contributed to that.
I struggled with lower back and neck issues that may have had pre-existing roots, but I know they worsened considerably during my primary caregiving years because I simply didn’t have the time or energy to manage them effectively. It’s not always about avoiding problems altogether, but about maintaining a baseline of health, and I struggled to do both.
I think most people would agree in theory that caregivers need care too, but I wanted to emphasize the profound reasons why it’s not an optional extra. And I sincerely hope that what I’ve shared today reinforces our collective determination to truly take care of the people who are so diligently taking care of others.
But let me be crystal clear: when I say we need to watch out for them, I am not suggesting that they can or should simply stop caregiving. What we are striving for is balance, the establishment of healthy boundaries, and the provision of meaningful support. It’s about creating a model of sustainable caregiving.
Sustainable Caregiving: Finding Balance and Boundaries
So, how do we actually do this? If you’re a caregiver listening, here are a few ways you can begin to prioritize yourself, even in the midst of your demanding responsibilities. And if you’re listening on behalf of a caregiver, please share these ideas and consider concrete ways you can help facilitate them.
1. Schedule Short Breaks: Tiny Moments, Big Impact
Even just 15 minutes carved out for yourself can make a world of difference. Use this time to read a few pages, practice a short meditation, take a quick walk around the block, or simply sit quietly and breathe. A short nap can also be incredibly restorative. Treat these breaks like any other important appointment in your day, and also try to be attuned to when you need an unscheduled moment to step away.
2. Accept and Ask for Help: You Don’t Have to Do It All Alone
When someone offers to assist, please, say yes! Whether it’s running errands, bringing over a meal, or simply sitting with your loved one for a little while, accepting help allows you to step away and tend to your own needs. It gives you a chance to emotionally and mentally reset. It can also help de-escalate tense situations, especially if you’re caring for someone who is challenging you. When I cared for my mom, her cognitive decline often led to my own frustration. Having someone else come in, even for a brief distraction, helped me immensely. The bottom line is that caregiving can be a lonely road, and while you might be the primary person in charge, you are absolutely not expected to carry the entire weight on your own.
3. Prioritize Sleep: The Cornerstone of Well-being
I know this is often easier said than done, especially if the person you’re caring for struggles with sleep. But we know that sleep is absolutely crucial for both physical and mental health, so I urge you to establish as consistent a sleep routine as possible, even if it means making adjustments in other areas of your schedule. I’m not suggesting giving up things you love entirely, but I also know that our stress response can sometimes manifest as late-night phone scrolling or movie watching. As tempting as that might be in the moment, I encourage you to set a cut-off time to allow your body and mind to get the proper rest they desperately need.
4. Nourish Your Body: Fueling Yourself for the Long Haul
When you’re constantly focused on caring for others, it’s incredibly easy to neglect your own nutritional needs, both because you’re busy and because your stress response might lead you to grab less-than-healthy convenience foods. There’s a vicious cycle of stress and tiredness that can make caffeine, salty snacks, and sugary treats seem like the best options. I’m not saying to never indulge, but please ensure you’re also giving your body the vital nutrients it needs to function. One practical way to do this is by keeping healthy, energizing snacks readily available. This is also a wonderful thing to ask for when people offer help.
5. Connect with Others: Breaking Through the Isolation
As I mentioned earlier, caregiving can be a profoundly isolating experience. When you’re in the thick of it, you might not even realize how disconnected you’ve become. Staying connected to your support system is absolutely vital. Talk to friends, family, or consider joining a support group. There are now many online options, making it easier than ever to connect with others who truly understand what you’re going through. Plus, when you share your own experiences, you might be the one offering help and comfort to someone else, which can bring even more meaning to your own efforts.
6. Set Boundaries: It’s Okay to Say No
It is absolutely okay to say no. I remember when I first started caring for my mom, I felt an overwhelming compulsion to do absolutely anything and everything she needed and wanted. And I understand that when you’re caring for someone with cognitive decline, they may not always understand your limitations. But you know your limits, and it’s essential to communicate them when you can and to stand by them regardless. Just like with children or pets who might not grasp why you do what you do, you need to stand your ground when it comes to your own needs. This isn’t selfish; it’s an act of self-preservation.
7. Engage in Activities You Enjoy: Nurturing Your Spirit
Even if it feels like there’s absolutely no time – and I know that’s often the reality – please try to carve out even small moments for hobbies or activities that bring you joy. There are many things you might be able to do while still providing care, like listening to music or watching a show together. Or during those short breaks, maybe a little gardening or a quick craft project? You can often scale down the things you love to fit your current situation. If you’re mostly housebound, try container gardening. If you love to paint but can’t manage a full setup, try watercolor brush pens. If you need to be able to listen but music can be distracting, try a single earbud or reserve music for specific breaks. If you love to read but need to keep a visual watch, try an audiobook. Whatever it is, make sure you keep embracing the things that light you up. That positive energy will help you show up as your best self and recover from the inevitable challenges.
If many of these suggestions sound a lot like self-care, you are absolutely right. And I will readily admit that self-care has its limits. It’s not a magic cure for burnout either but it absolutely has its place in helping to soothe and energize you, and in reminding you of your inherent worthiness of care. If you’d like to explore more self-care ideas, I highly recommend listening to episode 146, a roundup where I summarized 10 previous episodes filled with simple, actionable self-care strategies. You can also find the dedicated self-care playlist on the PODCAST page of my website.
As we wrap up today, I want to emphatically state that caring for yourself is not a luxury, especially when you are a caregiver; it is an absolute necessity. Let’s be honest, it’s a tough – and sometimes seemingly impossible – situation, and it’s so important to acknowledge and appreciate all that you do. When you prioritize your own well-being, you will be better equipped to care for others, but please remember that you also deserve to feel healthy, supported, and fulfilled, both as a caregiver and as the incredible individual you are. You simply cannot pour from an empty cup, and you are absolutely worthy of having a full one, regardless of your caregiving role.
